The Surprise Party
by GoodyAce
Summary: George has an emasculating moment. Jerry nears a mid-life crisis and laments the excitement of a birthday. Elaine throws a surprise party. Kramer succumbs to old age.


SEINFELD

THE SURPRISE PARTY

WRITTEN BY: DAVID ADLER

GEORGE

This is a nice place. It's cozy. I like that in a meal. I don't like to be out there. I think I'm a different person in a booth, than I am at a table. In a booth, I'm laughing, I'm completely uninhibited. No, reticence. Completely unreticent. When I sit at a table I feel like I'm entertaining the whole restaurant. Like the spotlight's shining in my eyes or something. We're sitting at a table, I can't even tell you my name. I'm sipping water all night long.

WAITRESS

Have you decided yet?

GEORGE

I don't know. What's good here?

WAITRESS

Everything is good here.

GEORGE

I know everything's good, but what's really good?

WAITRESS

Everything.

GEORGE

Look. Alright. I know you work here, and you have to say that. When you eat here, what do you have?

WAITRESS

I don't know. A little bit of everything I guess.

GEORGE

Alright! Forget it. What are you having? I'll just get whatever you're getting.

SUZIE

I'm gonna get the angel hair pasta.

GEORGE

Oh, I don't...

SUZIE

Why don't you just get the pasta?

GEORGE

I'm not really a pasta person.

SUZIE

(Looks at George like he's just been caught with a limp wrist)

WAITRESS

(Looks at George the same way)

GEORGE

(Mumbling, emasculated) I'll have the veal parmigiana.

SCENE - JERRY'S APARTMENT

GEORGE

I'm not a pasta person. Why didn't I just give the busboy a little wink, a little pat (feigns patting someone on the ass) and call it a night.

JERRY

It's not that bad. You're overreacting.

GEORGE

Overreacting? If anything I'm underreacting.

JERRY

Underacting.

GEORGE

I'm not acting. I'm reacting.

JERRY

I know. But it's underacting. Underreacting isn't a word.

GEORGE

What are you talking about? Of course it's a word. How can you act, and react, and overreact, but you can't underreact?

JERRY

It's all acting.

GEORGE

It's over. I'm telling you, it was going so great. I was feeling good. I was on. I'm telling you, I was hitting the high notes. We were in a booth...

JERRY

Love the booth. The booth's like the shower. You can do things in there that you'd never do in the normal, outside world. I'm singing in the booth, I'm crying in the booth. You know Andy Warhol, he loved the booth too. That's where that fifteen minutes of fame thing came from. Give me 15 minutes in a booth, I'm happy.

GEORGE

You should've seen how she looked at me.

JERRY

What? How'd she look. Was it one of these (gives a look of disgust), or one of these (gives a look of extreme shame.)

GEORGE

Worse. One of these (gives a look misunderstanding, followed by shame.) Like she caught me eating her lipstick, or something.

JERRY

So what are you gonna do?

GEORGE

What can I do? Lose the phone number, and hope I never see her again. You know this whole thing is Elaine's fault. She never should have set us up. She knew something like this would happen. You know what? I think she did this on purpose. I think her and Suzie were in on this together. Like a rigged election, or something. Or a smear campaign. Jerry, a smear campaign. That's what this is.

JERRY

Well McGovern, I think you've lost it.

GEORGE

I know.

JERRY

You're just a flamboyant person. It was inevitable. You know I've seen you (feigns a limp wrist.)

GEORGE

When? When did you see me?

JERRY

I've seen you.

GEORGE

And you didn't say anything?

JERRY

No. Should I have?

GEORGE

Of course. Of course. Say something.

JERRY

I'd rather just steer clear of the whole "say something thing." If your fly's undone, you'll figure it out. And anything else really isn't any of my business.

(Enter Elaine)

ELAINE

Three more days.

GEORGE

What? What's three days?

JERRY

Nothing.

ELAINE

Someone's birthday.

GEORGE

Oh, yeah. I forgot. What is this one?

JERRY

Does that really matter?

GEORGE

What do you think this is, Sunset Boulevard? You think I care how old you are?

JERRY

I'm the same age as you.

GEORGE

Yeah, but I look younger.

JERRY

No you don't.

GEORGE

Elaine, who looks older, me or Jerry?

ELAINE

You.

GEORGE

Take some time. Think about it.

JERRY

It's the baldness. It puts like, ten years on you.

GEORGE

Really?

JERRY

And your clothes.

GEORGE

What's wrong with my clothes? What's wrong with the way I dress?

JERRY

Nothing, if you're living in Miami Beach.

GEORGE

Oh, so you think you're so young and hip? Look at you. With the shirt tucked into your pants. What is that, the Wilford Brimley?

ELAINE

Will you stop it. Jerry, so what are we doing for your birthday? Am I still taking you out?

JERRY

Yeah, I guess. Nothing fancy though. And no cake. And no singing. If I hear singing, I'm out of there. If it's your birthday and you want to go out to a restaurant, fine. But what makes you think that everyone else wants to hear someone sing "Happy Birthday," to you?

GEORGE

You're going out with Elaine, Saturday?

JERRY

Yeah.

GEORGE

But I was gonna take you out.

JERRY

You never said anything.

GEORGE

I thought you'd assume.

JERRY

No. No assume.

ELAINE

Well, I was gonna ask you to go.

GEORGE

But you never said anything. What if I had plans? What if I made reservations?

(Enter Kramer)

KRAMER

What are you talking about, Jerry's big Five-O. Book 'em Dan-0.

JERRY

I'm not fifty.

KRAMER

Really?

JERRY

No.

KRAMER

Well what about the pants? I thought that was an old-people thing.

GEORGE

See.

KRAMER

How old are you?

JERRY

Does it really matter? Why does everyone want to know how old I am?

ELAINE

He's 37.

KRAMER

No!

GEORGE

Same age as me.

KRAMER

What? I thought you were pulling sixty.

GEORGE

No! What are you talking about? Hey, how old are you?

KRAMER

I don't know.

GEORGE

You don't know how old you are? What does it say on your driver's licence?

KRAMER

Date of Birth: Indeterminate. Whereabouts: Unknown.

JERRY

It doesn't say that.

KRAMER

Here you go (producing his driver's licence). Date of birth, February 29, 1972.

GEORGE

You're twenty-six?

KRAMER

Two, seventy-one...thirty four. Yeah, 26.

JERRY

Let me see that. I don't care what this says, you're not twenty-six.

KRAMER

Well then what am I?

JERRY

I don't know. Are you sure you don't know? When did you graduate high-school?

KRAMER

I didn't.

JERRY

Do you remember Armstrong walking on the moon?

KRAMER

The moon?

JERRY

You don't remember anything about your childhood?

KRAMER

Nothing before 1976.

GEORGE

What happened in 1976?

KRAMER

I lost a tooth. I was trying to make an elevator and the doors shut, right on my head.

JERRY

Well what about your Social Insurance Card? Or your birth certificate?

KRAMER

They all say 1972. What is this? What if I'm...old?

ELAINE

You're not old. You're probably thirty-something. Maybe forty.

KRAMER

Yeah, but you don't know that. What if I'm fifty? What if I'm sixty, Jerry? SIXTY! What if I'm...100?

JERRY

What are you, an age Mercedes? I've never seen someone go from mid-life crisis to old-age in under five seconds.

ELAINE

Where are you going?

KRAMER

I don't feel well. It's cold in here. Do you feel that draft?

GEORGE

What draft?

KRAMER

(Kramer is hunched over now like an old man) What? I can't hear you.

GEORGE

I said what draft?

KRAMER

What? I can't hear you. I can't hear. My hearing, Jerry. It's gone.

JERRY

Will you stop it.

KRAMER

Jerry? I can't see you. Where are you? (Kramer is squinting) Jerry. (Kramer moves towards Jerry and trips over a chair)

ELAINE

Alright. I've gotta get back to work. George, could you do me a huge favour. There are these big, huge boxes I need to move out of my office and they're soo heavy.

GEORGE

Boxes! (Rolls up his sleeves and stiffens his wrists) Boxes, Jerry.

JERRY

Will you get up?

KRAMER

I think I broke my hip.

SCENE - ELAINE'S OFFICE

GEORGE

So where are the boxes?

ELAINE

There aren't any.

GEORGE

So what did you get me all the way down here for?

ELAINE

I'm planning a surprise party for Jerry's birthday. Actually, it was his parent's idea. They're flying in for the weekend.

GEORGE

You're planning a surprise party for Jerry, and no one told me? Where's my invitation?

ELAINE

I couldn't tell you. It's a SURPRISE party.

GEORGE

Yeah, for Jerry, not for me.

ELAINE

Yeah. Anyway, I need your help.

GEORGE

Oh, I don't want to call people. Don't make me call people.

ELAINE

I need you to bring the ice?

GEORGE

Ice?

ELAINE

Yeah. My freezer broke, and I don't even think Kramer has a fridge.

GEORGE

Ice.

ELAINE

Do you think you can handle that?

GEORGE

Yeah. Wait a second, who's coming to this thing?

ELAINE

I don't know. Kramer made the guest list.

GEORGE

You let Kramer make the guest list, and you're putting me in charge of the ice?

ELAINE

Well I knew you wouldn't want to do it. Would you have done it?

GEORGE

No. But it would have been nice of you to at least give me the chance to say no, which you know I would have done because you know me, but you didn't know I would have said no, which, I would have.

SCENE - BANK

JERRY

Look at this guy. How old do you think he is? Ninety? What's he gonna do if a guy comes in here with a gun? Look at him. I think he's sleeping. I always wondered why they even have guards in banks. Look at the movies: a robber comes in, they just lie on the floor.

I would be the worst security guard ever. 'Cause it's not my money. A guy comes in here, waving a gun, I say "Help yourself, the vault's in there." I'm gonna risk my life for two-and-a-half percent interest?

TORI

I'm Tori.

JERRY

Jerry.

SCENE - STREET

GEORGE

Hey! I heard you're in charge of the invitations?

KRAMER

Invitations? I don't know what you're talking about.

GEORGE

It's OK. I know.

KRAMER

Know what?

GEORGE

What is that? You're using a cane now?

KRAMER

I hurt my hip. I think it's broken. Busted.

GEORGE

So who'd you invite?

KRAMER

Who'd I invite? To where? What are you talking about?

GEORGE

To Jerry's party! You're in charge of the invitations. I just came from Elaine's office. She told me you were doing invitations.

KRAMER

Oh, right! Invitations. I forgot.

GEORGE

Forgot? The party's in 3 days. Today's Thursday. That's like one day.

KRAMER

It's my memory. It's going. I can't remember anything. It's old age. I'm telling you. Don't get old George. Don't be like me. Stay young.

GEORGE

I'll keep that in mind. So what are you gonna do about the invitations?

KRAMER

Invitations?

GEORGE

(Seething) To Jerry's party!

KRAMER

I'll take care of it. I've just got to write it down so I remember. (Writing) Get invitations to...Whose party?

GEORGE

Jerry's!

KRAMER

(Still writing) Get invitations to Jerry's party.

GEORGE

You know what. Forget it. There's not even enough time to mail them. You're gonna have to call.

KRAMER

Alright. So I'll call half, you call the other half?

GEORGE

Nooo. I'm not calling anyone. That's like a whole day wasted. I'm gonna be on the phone talking to people I haven't seen in years. "Yeah, I'm fine. Fine. Oh, life is good!"

KRAMER

OK. I'll do it.

GEORGE

You in a rush?

KRAMER

I'm meeting someone for dinner.

GEORGE

It's 4 O'clock.

KRAMER

Early-bird.

SCENE - JERRY'S APARTMENT

ELAINE

So?

GEORGE

I got the ice. My freezer looks like it could sink the Titanic. Nice job letting Kramer handle the invitations.

ELAINE

What? What'd he do? Oh, I knew it was stupid. What'd he do? Forget to put stamps on the envelopes?

GEORGE

He forgot. Period.

ELAINE

Forgot what? Not everything.

GEORGE

Do you like a lot of ice in your drinks? Because I don't. Jerry either. It looks like you're gonna have a nice chunk all to yourself.

ELAINE

That idiot.

GEORGE

Well what did you expect? This is a guy who can't tell the difference between a subway token and a dime. How was he even gonna know who to invite anyway?

ELAINE

I gave him my address book and a guest list. All he had to do was mail out the invitations.

GEORGE

Well don't worry. I saw him a few minutes ago. He said he was gonna call everyone. He even wrote it down this time. Have you ever seen Kramer's handwriting? He should've been a doctor.

ELAINE

I gotta go. I've gotta pick up Mr. and Mrs. Seinfeld from the airport.

GEORGE

They're coming in already? The party's not for two days.

ELAINE

They got a deal on the tickets.

GEORGE

Old people and deals. I'm telling you. I remember when Campbell's soup went on sale for 15% off. My mother turned my bedroom into warehouse. I was sleeping in the hall. Everyone else at school had a bagged lunch. Mine was canned.

ELAINE

Fascinating.

(Exit Elaine)

(Enter Jerry and Tori)

JERRY

What are you doing here?

GEORGE

I was gonna go back to my place, but I got a little tired.

JERRY

So you stopped in for a nap?

GEORGE

Yeah. And to say hello!

JERRY

George, this is Tori. Tori, this is my friend Rip Van Costanza.

TORI

Nice to meet you.

GEORGE

Hi.

JERRY

George, Tori's gonna come out with us on Saturday. Is that alright?

GEORGE

Yeah. Sure. Come out.

TORI

It's a big occasion.

JERRY

No. It seems like I'm having one every year. In fact, it's almost been a year since the last one.

TORI

He's so funny.

GEORGE

Well. He tries.

TORI

So you two are, like, best friends?

GEORGE

Yeah. I let him hang around.

TORI

How long have you known each other?

GEORGE

I don't know. Twenty years.

TORI

Wow! So where'd you meet? School?

GEORGE

Yeah. Actually, it's a funny story. We were in Grade...

JERRY

Six.

GEORGE

What?

JERRY

It was in sixth grade. You were climbing the rope and I was spotting. (Winks at George)

GEORGE

Oh, yeah. Sixth grade. Yeah. You know all those years are a little cloudy. It was sixth grade though. You know it's strange. In one day I met Jerry, and got stung by a wasp. Much worse than a bee sting.

TORI

That's what? Two-thirds of your lives that you've known each other?

GEORGE

Two-thirds. Yeah. Can't reduce that. Sixty-six point six, six, six...

TORI

It's strange. I hope you don't mind me saying, but you look much older than Jerry.

GEORGE

It's alright. Everyone in my family looks older than they really are. My father looks 100. It's good though, 'cause I never needed a fake ID. I was buying beer when I was 10.

TORI

Thirty. Wow. That's like, mid-life. I think I'm gonna freak out when I turn 30. Like dye my hair, or something crazy. I can't stand the thought of being old. Not that you're old Jerry. I mean, 29. That's young.

GEORGE

Twenty-nine.

JERRY

George.

GEORGE

Oh, yeah. I mean, I'll be thirty in November. I just wrote my will. You can never be too careful.

TORI

Anyway Jerry, I've got to go. It was nice meeting you, George. I'll see you Saturday.

GEORGE

Bye.

(Exit Tori)

JERRY

I know. It's stupid.

GEORGE

It's stupid. It's more than stupid. What are you crazy? You know it'll never work. Twenty-nine.

JERRY

I know.

GEORGE

You never lie about your age. Never. Never lie about anything that's public record.

JERRY

I just couldn't tell her. She's so young, vibrant. I say I'm almost 40, she tells me I remind her of her father.

GEORGE

So what? Maybe her father's a nice guy.

JERRY

You don't want to be the father, OK. Alright. What am I gonna do, take her to the zoo? That's a father-daughter relationship.

GEORGE

So are you gonna tell her?

JERRY

Well I invited her to dinner. I guess she's gonna know.

GEORGE

Not necessarily.

JERRY

Saturday. At least that gives us two good days together. That's two more than most of my relationships.

GEORGE

Two-thirds.

JERRY

Sixty-six point six, six, six.

SCENE - AIRPORT

ELAINE

Mr. and Mrs. Seinfeld. Over here.

HELEN

Hello, Elaine. How are you?

ELAINE

I'm good. How was the flight?

MORDI

Terrible. They didn't have a movie. The girl said "The flight's not long enough for one." I said "So who has to see the end?"

HELEN

The flight was fine.

MORDI

They ran out of peanuts.

HELEN

You don't even like peanuts.

MORDI

I'd at least like the option. What if I wanted a peanut?

ELAINE

I booked the hotel room for you. Everything's taken care of.

MORDI

Hotel? Aren't we staying with Jerry?

HELEN

It's supposed to be a surprise. For his birthday.

MORDI

So, two surprises. He can't handle it? He's a young man.

HELEN

The hotel is fine, Elaine.

ELAINE

What are you going to do for the next couple days?

HELEN

We'll walk around. We'll visit.

ELAINE

OK. But don't run into Jerry. You'll ruin the surprise.

MORDI

This isn't my suitcase.

SCENE - JERRY'S APARTMENT - MORNING

(Jerry is seen waking up. He rubs his eyes and looks at the clock. It is 6 a.m. but the sun is up. The sound of tearing paper and big band music can be heard coming from the living room. Jerry gets up and walk out of the bedroom.)

(We see Kramer sitting at Jerry's table, dressed in a track suit. He has a 78 rpm record player spinning Glenn Miller. He is smoking a cigar, wearing glasses, and cutting coupons. He also has about 100 different pills on the table next to his glass of OJ.)

JERRY

What the hell's going on? It's six o'clock in the morning.

KRAMER

What's that?

JERRY

It's six o'clock.

KRAMER

I've been up since four. I just went out for a jog.

JERRY

Four? Aren't you tired?

KRAMER

I went to sleep at eight. I didn't want to, but I sat down on the couch and...lights out.

JERRY

What are you doing? Are those pills?

KRAMER

Multi-vitamins. You know that little scare with my hip was a wake up call. I'm not a young man anymore. I need to take care of myself.

JERRY

Well (picking up a vitamin and examining it), Flintstones chewable tablets. Children twelve and under take one a day with liquids.

KRAMER

There's a big sale on Campbell's Soup down at the Bag and Buy. Fifteen off. I need you to come down there with me.

JERRY

Ahhh. (Goes back into his room)

KRAMER

You going to get dressed? Because I can wait here for a couple hours you know, if you want to get some sleep. Yeah, but I've got a bridge game at one.

SCENE - GROCERY STORE

JERRY

I can't believe what time it is. Look, yesterday's paper. (Points to a newsstand.) The paper's not even out yet.

KRAMER

Or maybe it's just yesterday again.

JERRY

When the paperboy's yelling "hot ON the press," it's early.

KRAMER

Oh, they're sticking it to you again. (Kramer is reading a sign at the grocery that says "4 cans/customer.") You're only allowed four cans per person, so what we're gonna do is...

JERRY

No. I don't want to be involved in any kind of cheap scheme to defraud the super-market, OK. Eight cans of soup is enough. I thought you didn't even like Tomato soup?

KRAMER

But they're practically giving it away.

JERRY

Are those George's parents?

FRANK

Jerry. Kramer. What are you doing up so early?

JERRY

Ahh, it's not so early.

KRAMER

Hi, Frank.

FRANK

You're here for the soup too? I love that stuff. I've got boxes.

ESTELLE

Hello, Jerry. Hello, Kramer.

JERRY

Hi.

ESTELLE

So, Jerry. Happy birthday.

JERRY

Thank you.

FRANK

It's his birthday?

JERRY

Yeah. It's my birthday.

ESTELLE

How does it feel to be a year older?

JERRY

It feels the same. You know, this year...

FRANK

Mordi!

JERRY

What?

FRANK

I just saw your father. Mordi!

ESTELLE

What are you talking about?

FRANK

He came in, and he ran out. Are your parents in town?

JERRY

I don't think so. I just spoke to them a couple days ago.

FRANK

I saw Mordi. And he saw me. He looked right at me, and, zip, ran. Like a squirrel.

ESTELLE

You're crazy.

FRANK

I know what I saw!

JERRY

A year older, another year closer to this.

(Kramer is trying to load up with soup. His arms full of cans, he slips and falls over.)

FRANK

Jerry, what's wrong with your parents? They're too good to come in and say hello? They're too good for soup? No one's too good for soup. Who do they think they are?

(Kramer is writhing on the floor. Knocking over more cans.)

SCENE - JERRY'S APARTMENT

(Jerry is spread out on the couch, resting. George bursts through the door.)

GEORGE

Happy birthday.

JERRY

Thanks.

GEORGE

What's wrong with you?

JERRY

Nothing. I've been up since six.

GEORGE

What? Fire alarm?

JERRY

No. Methuselah over there woke me up and dragged me out to some soup sale. Fifteen percent off or something. I don't know. I've never seen so many track suits. We saw your parents.

GEORGE

Was it Campbell's Tomato?

JERRY

Yeah.

GEORGE

Oh, God.

JERRY

And the weirdest thing happened. I'm standing there talking to your father, and all of the sudden he shouts out "Mordi." And then he starts insisting that he saw my father walk in the store, and run out when he saw us.

GEORGE

So what? One time I was out buying shoes with him and he swore Herbert Hoover sold him a package of roasted chestnuts.

JERRY

Well the weird thing is I called my parents in Florida and the machine picked up. They're never out this early. And they haven't called yet to wish me happy birthday. Maybe they're in the city.

GEORGE

They flew all the way to New York and didn't tell you?

JERRY

Maybe it's a surprise. For my birthday.

GEORGE

That's...crazy.

JERRY

Do you know something?

GEORGE

No!

JERRY

Really. Because if you did, you would tell me, right?

GEORGE

Of course. Secrets between friends. It's not right.

JERRY

(Taking a close look at George, who is visibly nervous.) Alright.

GEORGE

So we're going out tonight. We're picking you up. Seven.

JERRY

Yeah. Unless you have other plans.

GEORGE

Other plans. No. These are the plans. I wouldn't...no other plans.

(Phone rings.)

JERRY

One second. (Answers.) Hello Auntie Edie. Thank you. You know, it feels the same as thirty-six. Alright. I'll speak to you later. Bye. (Hangs up) Everyone always wants to know how it feels to be one year older. Like the birthday is the threshold for emotional and physical growth.

GEORGE

I think I was more mature ten years ago than I am today. I'm working backwards.

JERRY

What is it that people are actually celebrating about a birthday anyway? Really, what they're saying is "Congratulations, you lived another year. Congratulations on not dieing." I mean, really, you're one year older. One year closer. You should celebrate every day except the birthday. Because the birthday is like the remote control when the batteries are about to die. And you know you've got to put new ones in, but you resist as long as possible. You're taking out the old ones, blowing on them, rubbing them, hitting them together. And then finally, when there's no power left, when you're pressing the remote against the screen to turn the channel, that's when it's your birthday.

(Phone rings again.)

JERRY

Hello. Uncle Marty! Thank you. Oh, it feels the same! Yeah.

(George gets up with the remote control. He clicks it but nothing works. He gradually moves closer to the screen until the remote is touching the TV. Nothing works. He takes out the batteries and blows on them. Still nothing. Jerry reaches into a drawer and tosses him a package of AAs.)

JERRY

So tonight. Bye.

GEORGE

(Replacing the batteries. The remote now works.)

JERRY

Happy birthday.

SCENE - RESTAURANT

ELAINE

Kramer. I've been trying to call you for the past two days. Where have you been?

KRAMER

Well, I've been...That's funny. I don't remember. Wait a second. I was down at City Hall. At the Hall of Records.

ELAINE

What were you doing down there?

KRAMER

I was trying to find out how old I am. My birth certificate. It's wrong. The only Cosmo Kramer they have on record was born 1904, London England. Immigrated to New York in 1914.

ELAINE

So you think you're 94 years old?

KRAMER

I've got to be. And you know, I always thought I had a bit of an English accent.

ELAINE

You idiot. You're not 94. What about World War II, the depression? You don't remember any of that.

KRAMER

Well, I'm old. My mind's not as spry as it used to be. You can't expect me to remember everything. Anyway, I met someone down there. Asa. Asa Kramer. He's my cousin. (Kramer points to a really old man sitting in a chair in the corner.) He's old, but he's feisty. You know he was on the Titanic? He was in the band.

ELAINE

Didn't the band go down with the ship? You know "The band played on."

KRAMER

Maybe he was a juggler.

ELAINE

Forget it. Did you call everyone. For Jerry's party?

KRAMER

Oh, yeah. See I wrote that down so I'd remember. I called everyone in that book you gave me.

ELAINE

What book?

KRAMER

That book you gave me. With all the numbers and the addresses in it. Jerry knows a lot of people. Hey, I didn't know he was friends with your father.

ELAINE

You idiot. That was my address book. Those were MY friends. You called my father?

KRAMER

Yeah. He couldn't make it.

ELAINE

The party's in an hour! What are you wearing, suspenders?

(Enter George carrying a huge hunk of ice. He lays it down on a table.)

GEORGE

My arms are freezing. There's your ice.

ELAINE

What's that?

GEORGE

It's ice.

ELAINE

What did you do, chip it off a glacier?

GEORGE

Hey, it was in a bag, but it all fused together.

ELAINE

OK. I gotta go. I gotta make some calls.

(Exit Elaine)

GEORGE

What is that smell? Mothballs?

(Enter Elaine)

ELAINE

Forget it. We're gonna be late. Lets just go pick up Jerry.

GEORGE

What. What's going on?

ELAINE

Kramer called everyone in my address book. He invited all MY friends to the party.

GEORGE

Suzie? Did he call Suzie? Did you call Suzie?

KRAMER

Suzie. I can't remember.

GEORGE

Oh no. Suzie's gonna be there. I can't go. Forget it. I can't go.

ELAINE

Hey, my cousin Eddie's gonna be there. I haven't seen him in 5 years. He came onto me during Lent. You're going.

GEORGE

Alright. I'll go.

KRAMER

George, you have to go.

GEORGE

Wait, a second. Wait a second! Are my parents in there. Are my parents in your book?

ELAINE

I think they are!

KRAMER

(Blank stare)

GEORGE

You invited my parents? Oh, God.

SCENE - JERRY'S APARTMENT

JERRY

You know, all in all, it's been a pretty good birthday. Minimum of calls, no direct contact with family members. It's the best I could've hoped for.

TORI

How can you say that about your family? I love seeing my aunts and uncles. My parents, my cousins. I love it. What about your parents? Don't you love your parents?

JERRY

I do. I love them. You know, we're in the same time zone? They wanted to do ADT, but I said no! I need you here. On EST! That way when you see something on news that I shouldn't be eating, drinking, or sleeping with, you can call and tell me.

(Buzzer Sounds)

ELAINE

It's me. Come down.

JERRY

Let the fun begin.

SCENE - OUTSIDE THE RESTAURANT

JERRY

Come on. I'm telling you. If you didn't get me a present, I really wouldn't care.

ELAINE

Yeah you would.

JERRY

No I wouldn't. In fact, I'd rather you not buy me a present. Because then I can reciprocate. I don't have to buy you one, if you don't buy me one. Then we can break down this whole present hierarchy. We can be a bunch of present rebels. No presents. In fact, I think Che Guevara was against presents too.

TORI

Well wait till you see what I bought you.

JERRY

As long as I don't have to feed it.

GEORGE

So, we're splitting this thing. Right? Because it's your birthday. I mean, you're not paying?

JERRY

I don't know.

GEORGE

Because I don't mind paying. I just want to know before we go in there, what the plan is. That way I'll know.

ELAINE

George and I are paying.

GEORGE

What about Tori?

ELAINE

We're paying for both of them. Is that a problem?

GEORGE

No. No problem. I was just curious. Aren't I allowed to ask?

(Jerry opens the door's to the restaurant. Everyone lifts up their glasses and shouts surprise. He looks around and notices a lot of people he doesn't know.)

JERRY

Did you make reservations?

ELAINE

Surprise.

(Helen and Mordi run up to Jerry)

HELEN

Surprise.

MORDI

Happy birthday.

JERRY

Mom. Dad. (Mumbling to Elaine) I'm gonna kill you.

UNCLE LEO

Hello, Jerry.

JERRY

Hello.

(Newman sidles up beside George)

NEWMAN

Look at all this ice! Happy birthday, Jerry.

PHYLLIS

Hello, Elaine! Happy birthday.

ELAINE

Auntie Phyllis. Thank you.

PHYLLIS

I think it's a great idea having a party so long before your birthday. What a great surprise.

ELAINE

Yeah.

PHYLLIS

And look who I brought with me. Cousin Eddie.

(Eddie sidles up. He's a really slimy looking guy.)

EDDIE

(Chewing gum, which he stretches out on his tongue.) Long time, no see.

FRANK

The Seinfelds. So I guess it's OK for you to be in the same room as us.

MORDI

Hello Frank.

FRANK

Why didn't you say hello to me yesterday. Why'd you run away?

MORDI

Jerry wasn't supposed to know we were in town. You were talking to him. If I would have said hello, it would have ruined the whole surprise.

FRANK

But you could have waited for me outside. Down the street. Something. You didn't have to shimmy out of there.

GEORGE

Dad. It was supposed to be surprise.

FRANK

So he couldn't wave? He couldn't wink. He's giving me nothing!

KRAMER

Hey Frank, hey Mordi. I didn't know you were in town.

MORDI

It was supposed to be a surprise.

FRANK

Surprise! The whole thing's crazy.

HELEN

Mordi. Look. You're twins. (Helen points at Mordi and Kramer. They are both wearing the same outfit.)

MORDI

Hey Jerry. Look at this! Twins!

JERRY

I see. Very nice. (To Tori) You gotta love them.

(Jerry throws his hands up in exasperation, but there's a waiter right behind him doling out champagne. As his hand reaches back, he accidentally brushes the male waiter on the rear end. He is embarrassed and he and the waiter look at each other. Finally he looks past the server and sees Tori. She has the same look of disgust as Suzie did when George ordered the pasta.)

KRAMER

Jerry. Buddy. Come over here. I want to give you your present.

JERRY

Can't this wait?

KRAMER

No. It's gotta be now. I'm weak. I may not have much time. (Kramer grabs a huge box and slams it down on the table. Jerry unwraps it and produces a large, scale model of the Titanic.)

JERRY

What is this?

KRAMER

It's the Titanic. 1/1000th scale. That's a good ratio.

JERRY

Well. Thank you.

KRAMER

Yeah, this baby cost a pretty penny. A couple pension checks. You know, I was supposed to be on the Titanic. But I sprained my ankle.

JERRY

And you figured you were gonna have to do a lot of walking on the trans-Atlantic crossing?

KRAMER

Are you kidding? On those cruise ships. Buffet-lines! Yoga. You've got to be ambulatory.

JERRY

What am I supposed to do with it?

KRAMER

Well, it's a wind up. You just, turn the crank and watch it go.

(Kramer winds it and lets it go. It moves towards the large block of ice that George brought to the party. Asa is standing there filling his drink. The Titanic collides with the block of ice. Freeze on Asa's face and his frightened expression.)

THE END

TAG SCENE

TORI

Pasta person. That's funny.

SUZIE

I know.

TORI

What are you doing?

SUZIE

Putting the candles in the cake.

TORI

Thirty-seven, and one for good luck. Thirty-eight.

TORI

Thirty-eight?

JERRY

Surprise.

(Tori in a huff to walk away, and collides with George who's eating an appetizer. His free hand gets a piece of Tori's chest. Suzie looks on in shock. George looks embarrassed at first, but then assumes a look of triumph.)

THE END


End file.
